Never let go of your Pre-Dad Self

The tallest water slides in Arizona are two miles from my house. In order to ride them, you have to be a guest at the pricey Arizona Grand Resort. When some friends got married there this summer, I jumped at the chance to get a room on the cheap.

The morning before the wedding, my wife was busy because always. But her parents were at our house early to watch the kids, leaving me with a couple free hours. I buzzed over to the resort, suited up and spent a solid hour trotting up four stories of stairs and plunging down the punishing Free Fall and Roadrunner water slides.

It left me tired and bruised. It’s also the best thing I did for my mental health all summer.

Why? Because deep down, I’m still a 12-year-old boy who has no regrets about breaking his nose in a water-slide collision with his brother. Because a part of me still believes George Carlin when he says, in the opening monologue of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, that the value of a civilization will be measured by its quantity of excellent water slides.

george-carlin-rufusNow water slide boy faces a threat more dangerous than reckless horseplay. From the dark realm of mommy blogs comes a chilling mandate — Dear Pre-Mom Self: It’s time to let you go. Continue reading Never let go of your Pre-Dad Self

Instagram: Wonder Woman sandwich

The Hobbit just started going to preschool, and she asked me to cut her peanut butter and honey sandwich into a Wonder Woman shape. Using only an IKEA steak knife, this is what I made on my first try.

I need to work on my humblebrags.

She ate almost the whole thing, which is a big win. And yes, she’s allowed to bring peanut butter to class.

Also, if you like the new DC Super Hero Girls toys, you might still be able to buy the Comic Con-exclusive Katana action doll at Matty Collector. Save her for Christmas. Or just keep her in the package forever.

My four hours of useless

Hey there, jobber. Employed person. Working so-and-so. Whatever you call yourself. How would it feel if you suddenly got a four-hour break from all work activities? How about if this break became a regular thing, happening twice a week?

I’ll tell you how it feels. My son (almost 5) and daughter (newly 3) just started going to preschool at the same time. A wonderful group of teachers is imparting essential skills and molding these animals into better people with no help from this stay-at-home dad. I’m useless for about four hours, twice a week.

It’s an electrifying opportunity to catch up on elusive goals like fitness and creativity. It’s a focused moment for chipping away at big projects around the house. It’s prime time for personal errands like haircuts and doctor visits as well as boring stuff like auto repair, lunch with grown-ups and stores that don’t sell toys.

The only drag on my newfound freedom is this haunting truth: We’re paying a lot in tuition, and I don’t make any money. The longer the kids are in school, the less being a stay-at-home dad makes financial sense.

That’s why I’m resolving to make the most of every four hours of useless. Here’s what I did the first day: Continue reading My four hours of useless

All 8 Quentin Tarantino movies, ranked

Podcasts are a big stay-at-home dad life hack. They provide hours of free, portable entertainment. They get me through the dishes and fulfill my oft-neglected need to hear only adults talking.

Some friends of mine have a world-renowned podcast with hundreds of episodes and many thousands of listeners. I don’t often listen because it’s about professional wrestling. But the good folks at The Steel Cage have invited me to appear on two of their off-topic episodes, better known as the Unfunny Nerd Tangent.

In the latest installment, we come up with the definitive ranking of Quentin Tarantino’s films. Don’t forget, dads, that in Kill Bill Vol. 2 (pictured above), Tarantino showed us the best possible way to welcome a stressed-out mom home from work. Continue reading All 8 Quentin Tarantino movies, ranked

The most violent video game just got a dad button

Get ready to be brutally eviscerated right in the feels. Just in time for Father’s Day, Sony debuted a gameplay trailer for the new God of War on PlayStation 4. It’s a must-watch for every parent.

As you’re watching, keep a close eye on the kid. Soak up his innocence and indecision. Watch how he skips and jumps through the snow like a real boy. And at the end, watch the harshness melt from the father’s face as he guides his son’s hand.

The dad here is Kratos, star of the franchise. He’s been a dad since the first God of War hit PlayStation 2 eleven years ago. Back then he stunk at it. Tricked by Ares, He murdered his wife and daughter. Their ashes are what make his skin white. Kratos got so mad he spent three games murdering all the Greek gods.

Now Kratos has moved north to the land of Norse gods and bushy beards. He has a new lease on life, a new axe, a new son, new monsters to fight and an amazing new gameplay feature: THE DAD BUTTON. Continue reading The most violent video game just got a dad button

Father’s Day Game of Thrones: A tweet of the Dad

A handful of Facebook friends unfollowed me because they thought I was serious about spoiling Season 6, Episode 9 (59 overall). Did you know the title of the episode is a spoiler in itself?

Anyway, this tweet is pure fantasy. I’ll watch the episode at 10:30 p.m. Arizona time, four and a half hours after it first airs, an hour after we put the kids to bed and 30 minutes after I glance at a spoiler posted by someone I need to unfriend on the social medias.

I should know better by now, for the Facebook is dark and full of terrors.

Sorry lady, my son still hates the Chewbacca mask

Attack of the Dad salutes Candace Payne, the Texas mom who treated herself to a Chewbacca mask, broadcast the joyous unboxing on Facebook live video and broke the internet.

My son the Champ is a connoisseur of online toy videos. He’s the driving force behind our YouTube channel, our sprawling Batman collection and my frequent trips to every toy aisle in town. He sidled up to me as I was watching this video today, then demanded to watch it a second time.

“Everyone likes this video because she is so happy,” I explained. That’s an understatement. This video has more than 131 million views and is the most watched video since Facebook live launched. Happy for a viral shout-out, Kohl’s bathed this family in Star Wars swag and other goodies.

Have you watched it yet? Most likely you’ll giggle right along with Payne. The Champ didn’t.

“Because it makes sound and it covers up your face,” he says. “That’s why I don’t like it.” That’s not all, though. He and this mask have a history. Continue reading Sorry lady, my son still hates the Chewbacca mask

I took my daughter into a Target restroom. What we learned about ‘Trans’ will blow your mind

Today all my social medias are blowing up about the public restrooms at Target stores. Ignoring it all, I took my kids to Target because we have a houseguest who needed some stuff. Also, we’re on the hunt for the new 2016 Imaginext toys.

After a few minutes, I heard the inevitable: “Daddy, I have to go poo-poo.” I could barely believe my little daughter. That hobbit had a good-size plopper earlier this morning. But I know better than to call a 2-year-old’s bluff.

Isn’t there some controversy I’m supposed to be worried about? I wondered, as we walked into the restroom. But we were the only people in there, so whatevs. Continue reading I took my daughter into a Target restroom. What we learned about ‘Trans’ will blow your mind