Baby bottles: You’re doing it wrong

A word of advice for new dads: NEVER blog about how well your babyperson is sleeping. It’s the oldest and harshest jinx. Last week, the Champ got a surly cold, and not even the formidable Nap Nanny® Chill™ could keep him asleep more than a few hours.

Today’s post is about bottles. I long considered myself an expert on the subject because I’m a master of the adult ones. If a container has booze in it, I will get us to the booze.

My 4½-month-old son, despite his fascination with grown-up drinks, isn’t quite old enough to hold his own bottle. Here’s one of his best efforts so far:

His grasp is shaky, he can’t quite get both hands to work together, and he’s not using his thumbs to their potential. This is a problem because 1) all the activity distracts him from eating, and 2) he’s spilling the breast milk that Mom works so hard to supply for us.

We’re working on it. It’s healthy for a boy’s aspirations to exceed his brain development. That’s what I tell my wife every time I practice telekinesis at home. It’s going to happen!

Since I can’t hold Champ’s bottle in place with my mind, I got in the habit of propping it on a pillow. I’d still sit next to him, but I’d use the extra hand to stuff cloth diapers (more on that later, if you’re lucky), feed myself or play Skyrim.

I guess I’m not a bottle expert after all. The USDA says bottle-propping could cause choking, ear infections and tooth decay while depriving the baby of essential human contact. None of that happened to the Champ, but here’s a risk the Internet won’t tell you about (until now, I guess):

BABY EATS PILLOW INSTEAD OF BOTTLE! Do you remember my pillow-eating joke from last week’s post? Double jinx! Anyway, now that I’m informed and my trusty propping pillow is mostly eaten, I’ll be holding the bottles myself from now on.

What this really means is I’ll be wrestling a determined muscle-baby every two hours until he figures out how to hold the bottles himself.

4 thoughts on “Baby bottles: You’re doing it wrong”

  1. Hey Tim, your mom forwarded me a link to your site.Very fun.
    A young friend of mine was living in Italy the past 3 years, so I followed
    her blog to stay in touch. She turned me onto another young mom’s website,
    jenloveskev.com. Jen Lula’s site is sweet/funky art, fashion, baby, decorating, recipes etc. She was doing it so well that she has decided to pull back from some of the sponsors she was featuring- too time consuming.

    Your little guy is adorable and I know of at least two grandparents who couldn’t be
    crazier about him. Have fun! ( yeah, I know it’s not all fun )

    KB

  2. Tim,

    It’s more an art than a science, but I’d definitely start with something more conforming to said bottle. A blanket, perhaps.

    Good luck!

    Phil

  3. I stumbled across your blog when I was searching for a recipe to use island soyaki and coconut milk and it brought me to your sloppy joe recipe. First off I have a 3 year old by, we used the same palytex drop in bottles exclusivly and loved them. because as he drinks the drop in deflates and the milk get pushed up we never had to worry about him tipping the bottle to get the liquid in his mouth, the day of my sons first birthday he had no more bottles and went straight to a cup with a straw nuby makes great leak proof ones. never need a sippy cup he couldn’t even figure the thing out… also I wanted to comment about the arrogant bastard onesie he was rocking my some had the same one when he was 6 months old. we live close enough to make it to the brewery and it is amazing. we even took the little guy on a beer tour while he was 3 months old! and we are a hockey loving family!

    1. Wow Ashley, we’re kindred spirits! I hope you like the sloppy joe recipe – we just had them again tonight. Thanks for the tip on the Nuby cup.

      I got Champ’s Arrogant Bastard onesie on a trip to San Diego a few months before he was born. I can’t wait to go back and take our boy to the beach (and, of course, on a brewery tour).

      Thanks for reading,
      Tim

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