Baby products: You are the spokesman

Update: Do not use the Nap Nanny Chill. Six children have died while using the infant recliner. 

More coffee? No thanks, I’m good. TURNS TO CAMERA. Oh hi there. I’m Tim Agne. You may remember me from such defunct blogs as Week Fiction and The Big Yellow Nasty. But I’ll bet what you’re really wondering is how the father of a feisty four-month-old can be so gosh-darn chipper this early in the morning.

Trust me, it’s not just because my wife handles the night feedings and I don’t have to wake up early and get ready for work. The real secret is an incredible new baby product that we’re rating as a “definite buy” for new-baby owners and a “registry must” for prospective baby buyers. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Nap Nanny® Chill™. Everybody sleeps!

Since Attack of the Dad started using the Nap Nanny® Chill™, our infant sleeps as much as nine hours in a row!*

*Results not typical and certainly not an every-night thing. Nine-hour maximum achieved through meticulous commitment to bedtime ritual. Do not use Nap Nanny® Chill™ inside crib. Do not feed Nap Nanny® Chill™ after midnight. If Nap Nanny® Chill™ appears smaller after infant reports dream of eating giant pound cake, discontinue use and contact poison control.

I am not a paid spokesperson for the Nap Nanny® Chill™, nor did I receive a free Nap Nanny® Chill™ for review purposes. But the first thing you learn about being a new parent in an industrialized nation is that you and your baby become mascots for the brands you use.

Babies can’t help being spokespeople. We parents are slapping brands on them left and right, and we do not shut up about it. New mommies and daddies can’t talk to anyone without name-dropping cutesy brand names like Boppy, Bumbo, BabyBjörn, Bugaboo — and yes, I have ALL OF THOSE THINGS.

What’s our deal? For one, we spend a ton of money on this stuff, mostly because we buy it under extreme duress. My babyman was waking up a lot. He looked like he was getting too big for his Fisher Price® Newborn Rock ‘n Play™ Sleeper. I went to Babies “R” Us, which freaks me the heck out, to find a suitable replacement. I dropped $120 on a smallish hunk of foam while Champ was screaming in the cart.

After that, we need to justify our spending by convincing ourselves we got the best of the best. So we go online and learn that this product has 4½ stars on Amazon, is recommended by at least three mommy bloggers and made one parenting magazine’s list of the top 10 sleepers priced $100 to $125.

And finally, we need the validation that only comes with getting other parents on board. Oh, you got the giraffe-print one? Aren’t you fun! Let’s talk about techniques for getting the pee smell out of it! We’re better than other parents!

In the end, I’m fine with my decision to get a Nap Nanny® Chill™. I’m a little less comfortable with my decision to get a Nap Nanny® Chill™ tattoo on my left shoulder blade,  but new parents get giddy when their kid sleeps nine hours in a row. I’ll still take my shirt off when I’m hanging around the baby pool.

As a bonus, I interviewed the Champ on the topic of baby branding. Here’s what he had to say:

5 thoughts on “Baby products: You are the spokesman”

  1. Dear Son, I shouldn’t tell my own children this, but that is the cutest baby I have ever seen! If you can get him to make noises on cue then he must be a genius! I think you could get him on the etrade commercials! Thanks for the blog! Keep on rollin! Much love, Grandma Christy

  2. Tim, I just discovered your blog via Facebook, and I’m a little disappointed it took me so long. I’m due to have Baby Girl any day now (literally), and I’m sad I’m just now reading this testimonial. But, at least if I have the same sleep issues most parents have, I’ll know where to turn. Thanks!

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