College football season is here, and my Arizona State Sun Devils debut their all-new system tonight. The 7:30 p.m. kickoff is past my baby’s bedtime, but I still want the Champ to dress appropriately on game day.
Let me show you what I’d like him to wear:
Here are four simple rules for the perfect game-day baby outfit:
Infant bodysuit: Whether you call it “onesie,” “creeper,” “one-piece” or “old snappy crotch,” the venerable infant bodysuit offers unsurpassed mobility and diaper access. It also obviates the pesky need for game-day pants. For kids up to 2 years old, it’s the perfect garment.
Game-day color: True fans know that nothing creates a striking game-day visual like a stadium full of fans decked out in a single team color. Just ask Nebraska’s Sea of Red. If you bought your baby 10 Nebraska shirts, you’d probably want nine of them to be red.
Arizona State’s fan color is gold, yet most of the baby clothes I come across are maroon, white, gray or black. Even worse, a lot of the gold ones are pale and vintage-looking. Game-day colors should be bright and bold, matching a team’s official specifications.
Official logo: Every team has an official primary logo. The makers of baby clothes should license that logo and put it front and center.
No cutesy crap: It’s fine for a shirt to spell out a team name. I could even handle a widely adopted motto like “Go Blue” or “Who Dat.” But my son has an Arizona Diamondbacks creeper that says “Don’t change me ’til the game is over” in huge letters that displace the team logo. Dude, it’s a baseball game. There’s plenty of time for a diaper change between innings.
I don’t want the team name spelled out in babified letters. I don’t want a “my first” team shirt because I had team shirts for Champ before he was born. I don’t want a pattern with kiddie drawings of sports equipment all over. My baby is plenty cute without the help of your half-hearted design team.
And my boy doesn’t need a shirt that says “Future Sun Devil.” He needs to know that we fully support him rooting for Arizona State while attending Harvard.
You’ll notice I had to draw you a picture of the Arizona State onesie I want. That’s because, as far as I can tell, it DOES NOT EXIST. This is what we’re settling for today:
I ordered this shirt from Old Navy. It’s not a one-piece, and the gold is a little pale, but at least the school logo is front and center. It will have to do until A) someone figures out how to make the perfect sports-team baby clothes; or B) my babyman grows into toddler sizes.