I’m about to double my cash value as a stay-at-home dad. My wife and I are expecting our second child — a girl — this August. In the month since we found out the sex of the baby, we hear the same thing every day:
Do you have a name? How about _________ ?
I’ll answer the second question first. No. Your name suggestion is stupid. As for the first question, we don’t have a name. We have something even better: A formula for coming up with the best possible baby name.
I refer to him as “The Champ” in this blog, but our son’s name is KITT LINK AGNE. We whipped up a flimsy explanation: Kitt, an old shortname for Christopher, is an homage to my mom, Chris; and Link is a family name on my wife’s mom’s side.
By now you’ve guessed the truth. KITT was the talking Trans-Am from “Knight Rider,” and Link is the hero from the “Legend of Zelda” games.
It’s a simple formula. You take the name of a famous car and the name of a “Zelda” character. For example, if we were having another boy, he would be HERBIE GANON AGNE or CANYONERO TINGLE AGNE.
At this point, you probably think we’re going to name our daughter CHRISTINE ZELDA after Stephen King’s possessed Plymouth Fury and the titular heroine, respectively. You really don’t get it. If we wanted to do the obvious thing, we’d use some silly naming gimmick like giving all your babies the same initials or naming every child after a city in Texas.
Your kids Austin, Dallas and Brownsville are adorable, but everyone who meets them rolls their eyes and says “I see what you did there.”
Let’s try a little harder. DELOREAN ARYLL? That’s on the list. GENERAL LEE NAVI? Considering it. BATMOBILE MIDNA? Sounds like a girl’s name to me. MYSTERY MACHINE MAJORA? A little long, but maybe. MIRTHMOBILE MALON? A-TEAM VAN IMPA? Yes and yes.
The only formula-names I’m not keen on are the Transformers ones, mostly because I’m still smarting from the second Michael Bay movie. So please, stop asking me about BUMBLEBEE RUTO. Those are famous robots, not famous cars.
And while I think SALLY CARRERA SARIA conveys beauty and inner strength, thinking of Saria from “The Ocarina of Time” always makes me a little sad. Also, I’m the only dad in the world who hasn’t seen “Cars.”
So if you would like to suggest a name for my inbound baby girl, stick to the formula. If you use this formula to name your own child, please let me know in the comments.