The tallest water slides in Arizona are two miles from my house. In order to ride them, you have to be a guest at the pricey Arizona Grand Resort. When some friends got married there this summer, I jumped at the chance to get a room on the cheap.
The morning before the wedding, my wife was busy because always. But her parents were at our house early to watch the kids, leaving me with a couple free hours. I buzzed over to the resort, suited up and spent a solid hour trotting up four stories of stairs and plunging down the punishing Free Fall and Roadrunner water slides.
It left me tired and bruised. It’s also the best thing I did for my mental health all summer.
Why? Because deep down, I’m still a 12-year-old boy who has no regrets about breaking his nose in a water-slide collision with his brother. Because a part of me still believes George Carlin when he says, in the opening monologue of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, that the value of a civilization will be measured by its quantity of excellent water slides.
Hey there, jobber. Employed person. Working so-and-so. Whatever you call yourself. How would it feel if you suddenly got a four-hour break from all work activities? How about if this break became a regular thing, happening twice a week?
I’ll tell you how it feels. My son (almost 5) and daughter (newly 3) just started going to preschool at the same time. A wonderful group of teachers is imparting essential skills and molding these animals into better people with no help from this stay-at-home dad. I’m useless for about four hours, twice a week.
It’s an electrifying opportunity to catch up on elusive goals like fitness and creativity. It’s a focused moment for chipping away at big projects around the house. It’s prime time for personal errands like haircuts and doctor visits as well as boring stuff like auto repair, lunch with grown-ups and stores that don’t sell toys.
The only drag on my newfound freedom is this haunting truth: We’re paying a lot in tuition, and I don’t make any money. The longer the kids are in school, the less being a stay-at-home dad makes financial sense.
Podcasts are a big stay-at-home dad life hack. They provide hours of free, portable entertainment. They get me through the dishes and fulfill my oft-neglected need to hear only adults talking.
Some friends of mine have a world-renowned podcast with hundreds of episodes and many thousands of listeners. I don’t often listen because it’s about professional wrestling. But the good folks at The Steel Cage have invited me to appear on two of their off-topic episodes, better known as the Unfunny Nerd Tangent.
Get ready to be brutally eviscerated right in the feels. Just in time for Father’s Day, Sony debuted a gameplay trailer for the new God of War on PlayStation 4. It’s a must-watch for every parent.
As you’re watching, keep a close eye on the kid. Soak up his innocence and indecision. Watch how he skips and jumps through the snow like a real boy. And at the end, watch the harshness melt from the father’s face as he guides his son’s hand.
The dad here is Kratos, star of the franchise. He’s been a dad since the first God of War hit PlayStation 2 eleven years ago. Back then he stunk at it. Tricked by Ares, He murdered his wife and daughter. Their ashes are what make his skin white. Kratos got so mad he spent three games murdering all the Greek gods.
A handful of Facebook friends unfollowed me because they thought I was serious about spoiling Season 6, Episode 9 (59 overall). Did you know the title of the episode is a spoiler in itself?
Anyway, this tweet is pure fantasy. I’ll watch the episode at 10:30 p.m. Arizona time, four and a half hours after it first airs, an hour after we put the kids to bed and 30 minutes after I glance at a spoiler posted by someone I need to unfriend on the social medias.
I should know better by now, for the Facebook is dark and full of terrors.
Attack of the Dad salutes Candace Payne, the Texas mom who treated herself to a Chewbacca mask, broadcast the joyous unboxing on Facebook live video and broke the internet.
My son the Champ is a connoisseur of online toy videos. He’s the driving force behind our YouTube channel, our sprawling Batman collection and my frequent trips to every toy aisle in town. He sidled up to me as I was watching this video today, then demanded to watch it a second time.
“Everyone likes this video because she is so happy,” I explained. That’s an understatement. This video has more than 131 million views and is the most watched video since Facebook live launched. Happy for a viral shout-out, Kohl’s bathed this family in Star Wars swag and other goodies.
Have you watched it yet? Most likely you’ll giggle right along with Payne. The Champ didn’t.
After a few minutes, I heard the inevitable: “Daddy, I have to go poo-poo.” I could barely believe my little daughter. That hobbit had a good-size plopper earlier this morning. But I know better than to call a 2-year-old’s bluff.
I have some popular energy drink reviews on YouTube. No way I miss an opportunity to talk about a new Monster AND throw some shade at the University of Arizona. This is what gives me the energy to parent all day.