Father’s Day Game of Thrones: A tweet of the Dad

A handful of Facebook friends unfollowed me because they thought I was serious about spoiling Season 6, Episode 9 (59 overall). Did you know the title of the episode is a spoiler in itself?

Anyway, this tweet is pure fantasy. I’ll watch the episode at 10:30 p.m. Arizona time, four and a half hours after it first airs, an hour after we put the kids to bed and 30 minutes after I glance at a spoiler posted by someone I need to unfriend on the social medias.

I should know better by now, for the Facebook is dark and full of terrors.

The Chompfather

It’s funny how these Internet memes get started. Somebody tweets a photo. Then somebody else comments, “Hey, that should be a meme!” And before you know it, some poor boy’s dad spends his entire Friday evening Photoshopping “The Godfather” quotes onto a stylized baby picture.

Nine-month-old Champ isn’t sleeping well these days. He’s got a second tooth coming in full steam, and his crib triggers an intense urge to work on his stand-up skills. After a pretty good nap this morning, Chompy stood up and smushed his chin onto the crib’s wide siderail. I think it helps his teething pain, but it also transformed his regular schnauzer face into a FULL BRANDO.

Lots more “Chompfather” quotes after the break: Continue reading The Chompfather

Stephen Colbert is corrupting America’s babies

One of my self-imposed rules for stay-at-home fathering is to avoid daytime TV whenever possible. I get around this rule by recording The Daily Show and The Colbert Report at night and then watching them the next day.

The Champ seems pretty interested in what Stephen Colbert has to say. It could be Colbert’s confidence, his in-your-face delivery, the bold colors of his studio or maybe just his eyebrows. So naturally, I ordered Champ a copy of Clobert’s children’s book the day it came out. What follows is my Amazon review of I Am a Pole (And So Can You!):

Flashes of heart, but too many flashes of pole

With its positive message about patriotism and finding your role in life, this could have been a great book for kids. Instead, Colbert crosses the line into adults-only humor a few too many times. There’s an insensitive jab at Native Americans, a couple of thinly veiled drug references and, worst of all, a full-page illustration of the main character as a stripper pole. The “Show Us Your Pole” activity page doesn’t help, either. Continue reading Stephen Colbert is corrupting America’s babies

Words with spouses

I drop a bomb. NUKE for 28 points.

It’s after 11 p.m. I’m playing Words With Friends against my wife. She’s already in bed. She’s on her iPad, continuing a game we started days earlier when we first downloaded the app. She might be nursing the baby.

I’m in the dining room, checking my iPhone while hunched over my laptop, joking about Mass Effect with my buddy and writing a complaint to Monster Energy. Costco stopped carrying my flavor. Bastards.

Continue reading Words with spouses

Objectives, part 1

My mom, who stayed home with me until I was in high school, gave me some advice: The things you do in your first week become habits.

As my last day of work approached, I wrote down some goals. These baby steps would become habits that would put me on the path to self improvement and creative fulfillment. I would do all these things in my first week, then brag about them in this blog.

Two months later, I’m finally blogging about my progress. One change: I’m calling them objectives instead of goals. Objectives sounds more videogamey. Continue reading Objectives, part 1

Baby products: You are the spokesman

Update: Do not use the Nap Nanny Chill. Six children have died while using the infant recliner. 

More coffee? No thanks, I’m good. TURNS TO CAMERA. Oh hi there. I’m Tim Agne. You may remember me from such defunct blogs as Week Fiction and The Big Yellow Nasty. But I’ll bet what you’re really wondering is how the father of a feisty four-month-old can be so gosh-darn chipper this early in the morning.

Trust me, it’s not just because my wife handles the night feedings and I don’t have to wake up early and get ready for work. The real secret is an incredible new baby product that we’re rating as a “definite buy” for new-baby owners and a “registry must” for prospective baby buyers. Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Nap Nanny® Chill™. Everybody sleeps!

Since Attack of the Dad started using the Nap Nanny® Chill™, our infant sleeps as much as nine hours in a row!* Continue reading Baby products: You are the spokesman